04 Nov Dealing with Uncontrollable Feelings: When Heartbreak Spills Over

I shared how I felt a few days ago, pure heartbreak. The kind that settles in, making everything else fade to gray. That day, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t think, couldn’t focus on anything that didn’t completely consume my mind. Reading, usually my escape, was impossible. Knitting? Out of the question. Processing what happened was the only thing I could think about. It’s that kind of raw, exhausting hurt where everything else feels trivial.

The hardest part about deep feelings like this is that, despite the fact they feel overwhelming, they are painfully private. They affect you deeply, while the other side of the equation might not know, acknowledge, or even notice. Chances are, they’re out there having the time of their lives while you’re left in a personal fog of grief. That’s the stealthy trick of feelings: they are entirely yours, sometimes beyond your control, and the spillover can affect people close to you who had absolutely nothing to do with the source of your pain.

It feels unfair, doesn’t it? To know that these emotions are bleeding into other areas of your life and potentially impacting people who don’t deserve it. And yet, while we may not be able to control our feelings directly, we do have some power over our actions. We can choose how we respond, how we interact with the people around us. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes, even the most rational people can find themselves reacting instinctively, especially when the heart feels like it’s breaking. Despite every good intention to act logically, feelings have a way of emerging in ways we might not anticipate. We may lash out or grow distant without fully understanding why.

I’ve come to realize that we filter ourselves constantly—our thoughts, our words, our actions. We do it out of politeness, out of love, out of respect, or simply to keep up appearances. We hold back to make things easier for others and for ourselves. But every so often, that dam breaks, and the emotions spill over. When that happens, the only thing left is to deal with the consequences as best we can.

There’s a unique challenge to acknowledging when we’re in this state. We don’t want to harm anyone or drag others into our mess, but sometimes we accidentally do just that. Feelings can be like a fog over our eyes, making it harder to see the people around us and their needs clearly. And while it might feel harsh to think about reining those emotions in, it’s also a reminder that we’re in charge of how we allow our emotions to affect those around us.

Sometimes, though, I do get frustrated by how one-sided this experience of hurt can feel. The other person, who may not even know what we’re going through, isn’t carrying this emotional burden. They’re not having to filter their actions or monitor their emotions; they’re just moving along, unaffected. It’s such a stark reminder that feelings are so personal. They’re entirely ours, and no one else can carry them for us.

So, what can we do? First, we can try to acknowledge the feeling instead of pushing it away. Emotions are powerful because they demand to be felt. Ignoring them might help in the short term, but they’ll come back, often even stronger. Instead, we can process them in our own way, whether that’s journaling, going for a walk, or talking it out with someone we trust. It’s a way of letting ourselves feel, without letting it consume us.

Second, there’s something to be said for giving ourselves grace. We’re human, and humans feel. Sometimes we act out because of those feelings, and while it’s not ideal, it’s also a natural part of being alive. Maybe we can’t be in absolute control all the time, but we can acknowledge that we’re doing our best with what we have.

And finally, we can look forward. Heartbreak, grief, anger—all these feelings come in waves. And while this wave may feel impossible to get through, it will eventually pass. Allowing ourselves to feel it, to know that it won’t be forever, can be its own kind of comfort.

So yes, heartbreak is painful and isolating, and the other person may never understand what you’re going through. But that’s okay. We have to give ourselves the space to feel without letting it define us or seep too deeply into our relationships with those around us. It’s a delicate balance, one that requires both strength and vulnerability. But with each step, each wave, we get a little closer to healing. And that, in the end, is what matters most.

What does google think about feelings?