13 Mar Vanity Sizing: The Hilarious Highs and Lows of Fashion

Ah, vanity sizing in the USA! It’s a phenomenon as perplexing as trying to explain TikTok to your grandma. Remember when you could slip into an XS with the grace of a gazelle? Fast forward a decade, and now I’m navigating a wardrobe where XXXS is the new XS. It’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube while blindfolded—confusing, frustrating, and slightly infuriating!

The pursuit of XXXS

Picture this: You’re excited about a fancy party, and with an abundance of financial means (thank you, adulthood!), you decide to splurge on some sleek European designs. You scroll through the online store, feeling encouraged by the size chart that reads XXXS-XXS = 000-00 USD. “Oh joy!” you think, “I’m back in the game; I’ll look fabulous!” Little did I know that this was the fashion version of a cruel prank.

As I clicked the ‘buy’ button, I completely forgot that European sizing hasn’t exactly joined us in the 21st century. Their whimsical size charts are like a trip back to 2013, where my US size 000 felt like wearing a toddler’s dress. The moment the package arrived—lo and behold—I was greeted by a dress that seemed to be tailored for a Barbie doll with more plastic than problem-solving capabilities. Let’s just say my girls were not having it. My breasts were cascading forth like tennis balls shot from a cannon, while breathing felt like an Olympic sport. In other words, I resembled a shaken soda can about to burst!

In my pursuit of fashion, you might wonder, “Why not simply send it back and grab a larger size?” Ah, my dear friends, if only it were that simple. I would love to! But, plot twist: the size I actually need—the lovely little XS—has been swept off the digital shelves faster than you can say “vanity sizing.” Apparently, other people also decided that their “romantic evening” deserved a stunning dress. So here I am, royally stuck, enveloped in this tiny prison of fabric that’s both beautiful and utterly impractical.

So now, what’s a girl to do? You guessed it! Suck that belly in, don the highest heels you can find, and strut your way into the party like you’ve just walked off a runway (or a poorly executed circus act)! Own the look! Even if you feel like a sausage about to burst. Who needs proper circulation, anyway? It’s all about the aesthetic, right? I mean, who hasn’t walked on the edge of fashion insanity while trying to look fabulous?

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the sheer absurdity of it all. Here I am, caught in the bizarre reality of fashion, where one day I’m worrying about my cocomellons not fitting into my favorite dress, and the next day I’m contorting my body to avoid looking like a wet dog. I often fantasize about designers uniting to create a universal size chart for every woman, a chart so clear and simple it could be written on a post-it note!

Seriously, though, consistency in sizing could help save countless women from the carnage of last-minute clothing decisions and wardrobe malfunctions that feel like epic fails on a first date. These moments often lead to hilarious yet awkward scenarios, like trying to discreetly adjust your dress while juggling a glass of wine. Oh yes, nothing says “come hither” like a woman in distress, struggling between ‘classy’ and ‘tragic.’

As I strut into that party, feeling both fabulous and slightly frantic, I can’t help but chuckle at the wild ride that is vanity sizing. It’s a rollercoaster that takes us from confidence to chaos in the blink of an eye. So, here’s to all the women out there navigating this quirky world of fashion—may we embrace our bodies, own our looks, and strut our stuff like the queens we are! After all, fashion should be about feeling good, not just fitting into a size. So let’s raise our glasses to resilience, laughter, and, of course, stylish solutions—because at the end of the day, it’s our confidence that truly makes the outfit! And remember: if all else fails, just suck it in and smile—it’s all part of the glorious adventure of being fabulously human!

Want to unravel the mystery of sizing madness? Check out this article on how to fix vanity sizing! 👉 Read more

For more on my fashion struggles, check out my take on vanity sizing madness! 👉 Read here