17 Oct Confessions Of A Suburban Driver: Chaos, Honks, And Survival!

Oh, working from home—they said it would be convenient! Back in the city days, I was free. Coffee shops, a stroll through the park, popping to the supermarket whenever I felt like it… the world was my oyster. The endless options for a mid-day escape were right at my fingertips. I could hit a museum during lunch, drop by a random bookstore, or grab an artisanal latte at some cozy café that smelled like lavender and dreams.

Now? Suburbia. (Or, according to the very picky moms in my daughter’s class, we apparently live in some weird limbo between a small city and the suburbs—because that matters? Whatever, Karen.)

Here, I only leave the house when absolutely necessary. My exciting excursions? Shuttling my 9-year-old goblin to and from school, hitting the gym when the stars align (i.e., if I have a lunch break), and the occasional supermarket run. Why don’t I go anywhere fun? Simple—driving in the suburbs is terrifying.

It’s not that I’m scared of driving itself. I’m not one of those people who white-knuckles the steering wheel like I’ve just witnessed an apocalypse. It’s the other drivers. The ones who think blinkers are optional accessories, the ones that tailgate you like they’re trying to read your bumper sticker with a magnifying glass, or the ones who slam their brakes like they’ve just seen a UFO hovering in the distance. You know, those drivers.

If you’ve never driven in suburbia, let me paint a picture of my driving style for you: I drive like a nun on a Sunday. No shame. Every time I get in the car, I send up a little prayer to any deity willing to listen. I triple-check my seat belt, my mirrors, my map, and yes—I use my blinkers. I even use them well in advance, like a responsible adult, because that’s how society functions. Or so I thought.

Let me walk you through a particularly irritating moment from just yesterday. I’m leaving the house to pick up my goblin from school. I merge onto the highway, find a nice, comfy space between two cars to switch lanes, blinkers on, all polite and law-abiding. Then, what does the absolute degenerate at the back of my perfectly-timed gap do? Speeds up—and honks! Excuse me, sir, did you miss the memo that I’m not here for your Fast & Furious cosplay?

Naturally, I did what any reasonable person would do: I slowed down. Way down. If you’re going to be that rude, you can spend the next 400 feet contemplating your life choices while crawling behind me. I’m not risking my life so you can shave 0.2 seconds off your commute. The more aggressive they get, the more I embrace my inner tortoise. Banging on your horn won’t speed things up, honey. If anything, it’ll make me go slower because now I’m annoyed, and guess what? I have time. Loads of it.

And can we please talk about people who honk when you’re waiting at a corner to turn? I’m sitting there, minding my own business, waiting for a break in traffic so I don’t risk launching myself into oncoming death. And then—HONK! Like, yes, I’m sure blindly turning into traffic would really improve your day. Sorry, but I’m not risking my life so you can get to Starbucks 30 seconds faster. Try decaf, maybe?

Oh, and don’t get me started on the Suburban Roundabout of Doom. There’s always one in every neighborhood—a roundabout that somehow no one knows how to use. Yield signs? Ignored. Right of way? Nope. It’s basically a free-for-all. Every time I approach it, I feel like I’m about to participate in some kind of suburban Hunger Games, with SUVs as my opponents. May the odds be ever in my favor.

You know what? I wasn’t built for this. I miss the city, where driving was optional, and public transportation took care of all the stressful parts. Where honks were reserved for real emergencies, not just someone being two seconds late to hit the gas at a green light.

So, how’s your driving experience been lately? Any fun stories of suburban survival? Let’s commiserate because clearly, I’m going to need a support group if I’m going to keep this up.

P.S.: If you’d like to learn more about driving in general, check out this World Health Organization article from December 2023. They have some eye-opening stats and tips to keep your sanity on the road.

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